Bonjour. I am Eva and you’re standing on the doorstep of Le Club de Jazz. And in reply to your rude and pertinent questioning, yes, that is the correct French. Francais, if you prefer. I know because I asked John Foreman (henceforth known simply as Foreman), and he knows these things. Because, clearly, he is French. Only French people have voices that sound like Kermit the Frog. Because Kermit the Frog is French too. Because he’s a frog. But he migrated to America when he got the gig on Sesame Street. Therefore, by logical deduction, our friend Foreman is definitely French. Well, actually, he’s also Jewish. That’s why he likes my jokes.

By the way, have you ever noticed how bad comedians tell bad jokes and then tell bad jokes about telling bad jokes? So now I’m wondering if that makes me a bad comedian, because I’m telling a bad joke about other bad comedians telling bad jokes and then telling bad joke jokes…

Well, since it’s pouring with rain tonight, maybe you should come inside. Let’s get this party started! But you know what’s gonna happen…

Sarah, the keeper of the Cloakroom, will be waiting in said Cloakroom for anyone who dares to venture in to hang up their sopping wet raincoat…wait a second…KRIS! NO STRIPPING! IF YOU FORGOT TO WEAR A RAINCOAT, THEN YOU DESERVE TO GET PNEUMONIA! YOU DON’T WANT TO UPSET RAYLIE’S SENSITIVE NERVES, NOW DO YOU? YOU DO? WELL, I DIDN’T WANT TO BRING THIS UP – BUT I THINK I SHOULD REMIND YOU ABOUT SARAH’S CHAINSAW THAT SHE STASHED IN LOCKER 324. AND LOCKER 324 IS NOT LOCKED! YOU DON’T WANT TO TEMPT THAT CHAINSAW OUT OF IT’S HIDING PLACE! ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE NAKED! BECAUSE IT MIGHT CHOP OFF YOUR…

…leg!

And then Kris, wearing only his undies, will run screaming out into the main club with the chainsaw chasing him. (He can still run, because the chainsaw hasn’t yet taken a bite out of him.)

And then Raylie, who is practising an original R’n’B flavoured, country-crossover song called I’d Rather Eat Grass Than Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Go Out With You Again with me and Trace and Rookie Jess, will faint from fright at the sight of the superman print on Kris’s undies.

Then Foreman will enter from the kitchen, where he was deliberating on the complete lack of kitchen staff. When he sees the chaos, he will put his hands on his head for Occupational Health and Safety Reasons…and then realise that he slipped some pethidine into The Hair’s glass of red cordial…so The Hair is safety sedated. Then Foreman will scream ‘Sacre bleu!’ and dial 911.

And then Foreman will remember that he is neither in America nor on American TV in Australia, but that he is in Australia. And so he will hang up, then pick up again and dial 000.

When the emergency services answers, a sultry female voice will say ‘Hello, The Cloakroom, Sarah speaking’.

Foreman will say, ‘But I called the ambulance!’

Then Sarah will say, ‘The ambulance is on lunch break. All calls have been diverted to the Cloakroom. And, by the way, have you seen my chainsaw?’

‘We need help! Raylie just fainted. If she dies, the band will NEVER be able to finish writing the flute solo in I’d Rather Eat Grass Than Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Go Out With You Again!’

Two seconds later, Sarah and her hovercraft will emerge from the Cloakroom, bearing medical supplies. Unfortunately, by this time, The Hair will have emerged from its pethidine-induced stupor. It will leap off Foreman’s head, onto the bonnet of Sarah’s hovercraft and, with a cry of ‘Hiiiiiiii-ya!’, strike a karate pose. Sarah will shriek with fear (and Sarah isn’t one to shriek at the drop of a moustache). But Trace will save the day by clanging The Hair between her ride and crash cymbals.

The Hair will shake his fist and softly murmur, ‘I will conduct my vengeance as a handsomer Dantes than Jim Caviezel ever was’, and then fall limply to the floor. Then Sarah will rush over to the unconscious Raylie and administer the necessary medicines, like smelling salts, etc. (Sarah is a young woman of many talents.) When Raylie finally wakes up, she will immediately utter the unmemorable words, ‘Can I please have some red cordial?’

And then Rookie Jess will help Raylie to her feet, and the band will finish writing the flute solo for I’d Rather Eat Grass Than Ever…ah, you know what it’s called.

And the moral of this story is that semi-nude singers should never take on chainsaws whilst wear superman print undies, especially if the ambulance dudes are on lunch break, unless there is a hyperactive drummer with nimble fingers around to save the day.

And that maybe, just maybe, if Australian television truly was Australian television, the general Australian public might actually know their own emergency number.